In my first
job as a writer with the esteemed periodical The Alvernian from 2004-2012, many of my columns borrowed ideas
from Bill Simmons. Tonight, with Simmons
working the draft, I’m blatantly stealing his draft diary. I plan on making fun of him as much as
possible. This is being billed as the
worst draft since 2000. But the big news
today is the possible Celtics-Nets trade.
I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready for that trade.
My thoughts
on the trade on Friday morning: I am
totally fine with trading Kevin Garnett.
He’s one of my favorite Celtics ever, but he was only a Celtic for six
years. He’ll have his number retired,
but he didn’t need to end his career with the Celtics. As for Paul Pierce, this hurts. If he had stayed long enough, he would have
broken Havlicek’s franchise scoring record.
I have him ranked behind only Bill Russell, Larry Bird, John Havlicek,
and Bob Cousy on the list of greatest Celtics ever. I wanted him to finish his career with the
Celtics. As much as it hurts, I think it’s
a good basketball decision. Bill Simmons
doesn’t like taking on Gerald Wallace’s contract. The Celtics aren’t going to be good for the
next three years, so I don’t care about that.
In my diary, I brought up the Patrick Ewing trade that destroyed the
Knicks for a decade. This might seem
similar in that both trades involved trading aging superstars, but it’s
different. The Knicks got no long-term
value. This trade for the Celtics was
all about long-term value. Sure, the
players they got won’t be as good as Pierce and Garnett, but they weren’t
winning another championship with Pierce and Garnett anyway. So instead of just hanging on to Pierce and
Garnett until they retire, the Celtics got three first round picks and perhaps
some value in Marshon Brooks (I mentioned Reggie Evans in the diary, but now it
sounds like the Celtics are getting Marshon Brooks instead). The 2014 pick from the Nets won’t be a
lottery pick, but 2016 or 2018 might be lottery picks. The Celtics need to think about winning
championships. That wasn’t going to
happen in the next three years with Pierce, Garnett, and Doc Rivers. Maybe the four draft picks they got for those
guys will help them win a championship in the future.
Anyway, I’m
joined this evening by my dad, who I’ve been watching drafts with since the
early 1990s. He’s also a Celtics
fan. I got home from my friends’
baseball game at 7:29, so by the time I got settled in, it was time for the
draft to start. Here we go:
7:41- David
Stern comes out to announce the first pick.
He pauses and eggs on the crowd.
The first pick is Anthony Bennett.
Bill Simmons makes a noise to express his disbelief.
7:43- Shane
Battier is interviewing the draft picks?
Well, he was the guy who confused Craig Sager by using the word
“archaic” in his draft interview in 2001.
Battier is definitely one of the five smartest people in the Barclays
Center tonight, so I guess it’s a good choice.
I learned from the interview that Anthony Bennett is Canadian. I don’t really know anything else about
him. He doesn’t look Canadian.
 |
| I was expecting Anthony Bennett to look like this. |
7:44- They
showed a replay of Bill Simmons’s reaction.
For some reason, they didn’t include the audio.
7:46- The
Magic take Victor Oladipo. Jay Bilas
tells us he had 12 and a half deflections per game this year. Is that possible? Nobody kept track of that stat two years
ago. I like this pick.
7:49- Battier
interviews Victor Oladipo. My only
thought while watching this is that if he turns out to be good, he definitely
won’t stay with the Magic. Nobody good
stays with the Magic.
7:51- Otto
Porter for the Wizards?
7:52- David
Stern tells the crowd he can’t hear them.
They boo and he gives the thumbs up.
The Wizards take Porter. My
Georgetown brother is not high on Porter.
I saw him in the tournament. He
was a non-factor against Florida Gulf Coast.
That’s the type of player you’re looking for with the third pick of the
draft.
7:54- Jay
Bilas mentions the Reggie Cleveland All Stars, one of my favorite Bill Simmons
gimmicks ever.
7:56- My dad
mentions that the Bobcats have had 8 losing seasons in their 9 years. He sounds surprised. I’m surprised too. It feels more like 10 losing seasons in their
9 years.
7:58- Stern
gets booed again. Is Adam Silver going
to get booed like this next year? It
just won’t be the same.
7:59- Cody
Zeller? Really? I lived in the same dorm as his brother, so
I’ll root for him. I liked him in
college, but he just seems to me like one of those good college players that
isn’t a good NBA player.
8:01- Jay
Bilas is talking about how athletic Cody Zeller is. This is shocking because…how can I put
this? It’s shocking because he’s not on
the Reggie Cleveland All Stars.
8:04- On
SportsCenter, they show people outside a courthouse chanting “innocent” for
Aaron Hernandez. This is America and you
are innocent until proven guilty, but I have a strong feeling that he will be
proven guilty. I’m just waiting for the
Jets to show interest in Aaron Hernandez to get some headlines.
8:07- The
Suns take Alex Len. I had never heard of
this guy until a week ago. He wasn’t
first, second, or third team All ACC.
Should you be the fifth pick of the draft if you can’t make third team
All ACC? I say no. But the fact that he’s from Ukraine makes me
think of this: Ukraine is game to you!
8:10- I
wouldn’t have taken Nerlens Noel number 1 either. Can you picture a guy named Nerlens being a
great player? I heard some stories about
him being pretty shady. So I understand
teams passing him up, but if you take him now, you might get a guy that’s angry
about sliding this far (like Pierce in 1998).
So I’d be pretty excited about drafting him from here on out.
8:12- The
Pelicans take Noel. Rece Davis notes his
hair, which is pretty awesome.
8:13- Bill
Simmons said he’d be terrified of going to the rim if he was playing the
Pelicans. I’m going to disagree. Noel and Anthony Davis might be a combined 14
feet tall, but their combined weight should probably be closer to 500 pounds than
400 pounds at that height.
8:15- John
Calipari is on TV. How long until he
leaves Kentucky followed by Kentucky being put on probation, forfeiting
victories, and/or losing scholarships?
8:16- The
Kings take Ben McLemore.
8:19- In his
interview with Shane Battier, McLemore mentions his brother, who’s locked up
right now. Well, that’s nice.
8:20- They
show Trey Burke. I can’t tell you how
much I despise Michigan.
8:23- Andy
Katz tells us Nerlens Noel is going to Philadelphia.
8:24-
Kentavious Caldwell-Pope was drafted by Detroit. His name is too long. If I was a play-by-play guy, I’d pick one of
those last names and go with it. I’d
also refuse to call Ron Artest (probably number 2 on my list of least favorite
players) by that ridiculous name he changed his name to.
8:25- Bilas
on Kentavious: “He’s a shooter, and a
jump shooter.” Thanks Bilas, I thought for
a second he was one of the many set shooters in the draft.
8:29- Simmons
makes his noise of disbelief again when he hears that Jrue Holliday is in the
Noel trade.
8:31- Trey
Burke goes to Minnesota. Now I have
reason to root against the Timberwolves. If only Kevin McHale was still around to trade
Kevin Love to the Celtics.
8:36-
Portland takes C.J. McCollum. Bill
Simmons just called this his favorite draft ever.
8:37- Bilas
on McCollum: “He’s not just a shooter,
he’s a scorer.” So C.J. McCollum is not
2012-13 Stephen Jackson, who was just a shooter.
8:43-
Philadelphia takes Michael Carter-Williams.
I despise Syracuse, but not as much as I despise Michigan. Again, I would pick one of his last names and
go with it.
8:49-
Oklahoma City is on the clock because they traded James Harden and his beard.
8:50-
Oklahoma City takes Steven Adams, who’s from New Zealand. I would be a lot more excited if he was
Australian. My dad says he didn’t do
much against Notre Dame. I watched that
game and have no memory of Steven Adams.
A check of the box score shows he had 8 points and 4 rebounds against a
not particularly good Notre Dame defense.
Yep, totally worth giving up James Harden for Steven Adams and the other
random crap Oklahoma City got.
8:56- Chris
Broussard says Dwight Howard’s top two choices are Dallas and Houston. I’d be really happy if I was a Laker fan
right now.
8:58- Dallas
takes Kelly Olynyk. We get the ominous
“Kelly is not here” from David Stern. My
dad says the Celtics wanted him. I say I
didn’t want him and of course this happens less than a minute later…
8:59- Andy
Katz tells us that the Olynyk is going to the Celtics.
9:03- I
remember watching Gonzaga and being very underwhelmed by Kelly Olynyk. It’s time to start drinking. And the Jazz are on the clock. Who’s the best white guy available?
9:04- I’m
drinking Sam Adams Summer Ale (of course I am).
The Jazz took a guy named Shabazz Muhammad instead of a white guy. Too bad he’s not white because he would have
been the greatest Reggie Cleveland All Star of all time.
9:08- Bill
Simmons says his dad loved the Kelly Olynyk pick. I couldn’t be less excited.
9:11-
Milwaukee took Giannis Antetokounmpo.
He’s from Greece. Fran Fraschilla
likes the pick. Bill Simmons says he
looked like a Greek Paul George going against an 8th grade CYO
team. I would have been a lot more
excited about the Celtics taking this guy instead of Kelly Olynyk. The only problem is that his name is way too
difficult to say.
9:14- Andy
Katz says the Celtics are picking for Dallas or Atlanta. Dallas wanted out of this draft. Good thinking, Dallas.
9:16- Bill
Simmons says Andrew Wiggins is the most exciting prospect since Kevin
Durant. If only David Stern was still
going to be around to rig the lottery for the Celtics next year.
9:17- The
Celtics take Lucas Nogueira for somebody else.
He puts a hat on top of his afro.
We suddenly lost sound as Bill Simmons was commenting on it. I’m going to say this was no
coincidence. Unfortunately, we will
never know what he was saying.
9:23- The
Hawks take Dennis Schroeder from Germany.
Fran Fraschilla likes him and compares him to Rajon Rondo. Are there any foreign players that he doesn’t
like?
9:28- The
ESPN guys are getting way too intense in their discussion about how to
pronounce Dennis Schroeder’s last name.
9:29- The
Hawks take their second straight point guard with Shane Larkin. Bill Simmons makes the predictable David Kahn
joke (which I would have made here if he didn’t make it on TV).
9:31- I just
googled Barry Larkin just to make sure he went to Michigan. He did.
His son went to Miami. This is
not my favorite family.
9:32- Andy
Katz tells us Shane Larkin is going to Dallas.
9:37-
Cleveland takes Sergey Karasev. He’s
from Russia and he’s going back to Russia to play in a game tomorrow.
9:39- Shane
Battier interviews Sergey. Sergey needs
some work on his English.
9:44- David
Stern announces that the Bulls’ selection, Tony Snell, is not here, but Shabazz
Muhammad is here and he emerges from backstage.
That was pretty awkward.
9:45- Utah is
on the clock again. Come on Jazz, take a
white guy. Don’t let me down.
9:46- Shane
Battier interviews Shabazz Muhammad and says he’s going to Minnesota. I had no idea about this, but Rece Davis
clears up my confusion. He says he’s
going to Minnesota in the Trey Burke trade.
And Utah is not drafting for themselves right now.
9:50- David
Stern is going to miss this. “We’ve had
to explain to the international audience that the boo is an American sign of
respect.”
9:51- Gorgui
Dieng is taken by the Jazz for the Timberwolves and Stern explains that Gorgui
graduated from the NBA’s Basketball Without Borders Africa Program. Okay then.
9:57- Bill
Simmons is angry about this Celtics-Nets trade.
I’ll take some more time to think about this.
9:58- The
Nets take Mason Plumlee. I feel like
he’s going to be one of those Duke guys that doesn’t turn out to be a good NBA
player.
9:59- Bill
Simmons compares Plumlee to Greg Stiemsma.
That means that if the Celtics had taken Plumlee, Tommy Heinsohn would
have compared him to Bill Russell.
10:04- The
Pacers take Solomon Hill. Jay Bilas
compares him to Draymond Green. I hope
that’s a good comparison because I like Draymond Green and possibly after the
Nets, the Pacers are the team I want to win the East until the Celtics are good
again.
10:06- The
Knicks are on the clock. They show Spike
Lee on ESPN. Boo.
10:10- The
Knicks take Tim Hardaway, Jr. I didn’t
need any more reasons to dislike the Knicks, but I got one.
10:12- Spike
Lee is being interviewed on ESPN. I will
now light myself on fire.
10:16- The
Clippers take Reggie Bullock. The way
Jay Bilas is describing him makes me think he’s like Kawhi Leonard, who is one
of my new favorite players. But Simmons
compares him to another Spur, Danny Green.
10:19- Bill
Simmons is not happy with Doc Rivers. He
might have quit on the Celtics, but I don’t blame him. Phil Jackson never stuck around to coach a
crappy team. As important as a coach can
be, you need the players. The Celtics
don’t have the players now, but they got a first round pick for a coach. I’ll take it.
10:21- David
Stern announces the Celtics-Mavericks trade.
For a second there, I was worried that he was going to announce the
Celtics-Nets trade, even though that can’t be finalized until July 10. Minnesota takes Andre Roberson for the
Warriors. Rece Davis says he wants David
Stern to put his hand to his ear like Hulk Hogan to egg on the crowd. Rece also makes fun of Roberson’s suit, but I
have to say, I miss the 1990s. That was
the Golden Age of ridiculous suits at the NBA Draft.
10:26- I’m
switching over to Sam Adams Porch Rocker, another very solid summer beer. David Stern announces the Timberwolves-Jazz
trade. Then he eggs on the crowd. Only a few more picks. The Nuggets take a French guy, Rudy
Gobert. Fran Fraschilla tells us he has
the longest wingspan ever recorded at the NBA combine. I’m starting to make more typos as I continue
to drink, but at this point, I’m still correcting them.
10:32- The
ESPN guys are talking about the Spurs losing the Finals. Losing the way they did would have been the
most painful thing ever if they hadn’t won four championships during the Tim
Duncan Era.
10:35- The
Spurs take Livio Jean-Charles from French Guiana. My dad has never heard of him and he probably
pays more attention to the draft than anybody I know. Fran Fraschilla struggles to say “in
perpetuity,” and asks if he said it correctly.
He didn’t, but Rece Davis said he did.
10:38- My dad
asks how the Dodgers are doing. A quick
check on the phone shows they’re winning 3-1.
The Dodgers have been depressing for most of the season, but now that
they’re finally getting healthy, I’m in on them.
10:40- Andy
Katz just explained what’s going on with this 29th draft pick. I’m on my third beer right now and I didn’t
follow everything he just said. But the
Thunder took Archie Goodwin for somebody else, I think.
10:43- David
Stern is about to announce his last draft pick.
His first draft was 1984, the year I was born. It won’t be the same without him. This will be his 839th pick.
10:45- A
David Stern draft montage? Yes!
10:49- Stern
gets a standing ovation for his last pick.
Well deserved. The last pick he
announces is Nemanja Nedovic from Serbia for the Suns, but he’s going to the
Warriors. Stern introduces Adam Silver,
who gets booed. Adam Silver brings out
David Stern’s first pick, Hakeem Olajuwon, who looks very happy. They show the picture of Akeem and David
Stern shaking hands at the 1984 Draft (Hakeem was Akeem back then), which is
amazing.
10:53- Bill
Simmons only does the first round in his draft diaries, but I’m going to keep
this going. I probably won’t mention
every single player that gets drafted in the second round.
10:54- I go
to visitlondon.com and the first category I click on is
“Brewery/Distillery.” I’ll be in London
in about 52 hours.
10:58- Chris
Broussard says this Celtics-Nets trade is happening. My sober thoughts will be added to my
introduction tomorrow.
10:59-
Cleveland just took Allen Crabbe.
11:01- Bill
Simmons says Gerald Wallace’s contract is terrible. Probably true, but he only has three more
years. The Celtics aren’t going to be
good for the next three years anyway. My
dad is in favor of the trade. It sounds
like I’ll be rooting for the Nets next year (I’m still a Celtics fan of course,
but of the teams that have a legitimate chance of contending, I’ll be rooting
for the Nets).
11:11-
Somebody just took Glen Rice, Jr. This
reminds me of how trading Patrick Ewing for Glen Rice destroyed the Knicks back
in the day. My brother Sean was right
about that trade. Everybody wanted the
Knicks to get rid of Ewing, but they should have just let his contract expire
and taken the cap space.
11:21-
Portland just took Jeff Withey. I like
this dude. He played for a big time
program and played some really solid defense.
Alex Len played in a big time conference and I never heard of him. I’m not predicting that Withey will be a
better player than Len, but I like taking Withey at number 40 better than
taking Len at number 5.
11:25-
Memphis took Jamaal Franklin. Bill
Simmons makes fun of the pick, but I like it.
I was there to see him put up 21 points, 8 rebounds, 5 assists, and 2
steals in the tournament against Oklahoma.
Sure, it’s a small sample size, but he was better than Otto Porter that
day.
11:41- Rece
Davis talks about the greatest Brazilian one-named athlete name ever: Fred.
That is pretty awesome. I jus t
googled Fred. He’s a soccer player.
11:44- The
Lakers just took Ryan Kelly. Bill
Simmons says, “He’s now the third best guy on their team.” Although he’s one phoneme off from having the
same name as one of my favorite people in sports, he’s a Laker and hence one of
my least favorite people in sports. The
ESPN guys talk about Dwight Howard. If
I’m the Lakers, I just want Dwight Howard gone. There are good stats, bad team guys. Dwight Howard is a good stats, good team, but
not championship team guys. If I had a
choice between giving Dwight Howard a huge contract and trying to get some cap
space for the future, I’d rather have the cap space.
11:46- Erik
Murphy was just drafted, leading to Entourage jokes from the ESPn guys. Entourage would be the worst show that I’ve
seen every episode of, but there are at least two MTV reality shows that I’ve
seen every episode of.
11:51- Romero
Osby was just drafted. I saw him lose to
Jamaal Franklin. He had 22 points and 8
rebounds against San Diego State. Good
numbers, but he struck me as a good college player, not a good NBA player type
of guy.
11:52- Doc
Rivers is being interviewed as the coach of the Clippers. This is a little weird. While I was in favor of the Doc Rivers trade,
I’ll miss him. It doesn’t really matter
who the next coach of the Celtics is. It
matters who the coach of the Celtics is three years from now. Hopefully they can find somebody close to
being as good as Doc Rivers.
11:53- We
have a Bill Simmons-Doc Rivers feud. I’m
siding with Doc Rivers.
11:59-
Arsalan Kazemi is the first Iranian drafted.
Um, I don’t like Iran.
12:00- Colton
Iverson is going to the Celtics. My dad likes
this. I don’t know anything about
him. Supposedly he’s a good
rebounder. The Celtics have been a bad
rebounding team for years. Now, they’re
just going to be a bad team. But maybe
they’ll be a bad team that can rebound with Reggie Evans and Colton
Iverson. So they’ve got that going for
them.
12:06- Bill
Simmons on Peyton Siva: “I like this
guy. Why can’t he be an 11th
man?” Yeah, you like him so much that
you expect him to never play meaningful minutes.
12:19- Adam
Silver announces two more trades. I’m
not interested in either of these trades.
The Grizzles take Janis Timma from Latvia with the last pick of the
draft. Even Fran Fraschilla doesn’t seem
excited about this pick.
12:22- My dad
changed the channel in time to see Yasiel Puig hit a 2-run single with the
bases loaded and two outs on an 0-2 count.
The Dodgers take a 5-4 lead.
Well, that’s the
right time to end this diary. I enjoyued
drinking and writing this. If you read
all of this, thanks for taking all that time.
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